Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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