he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I deserve this hangover.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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