It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
