I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize