if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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