had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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