the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
