im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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