I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
