a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
dude. I can hear the air.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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