enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
