WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize