Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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