i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
