At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
