If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
organizing the empties. That sober.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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