how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
