checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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