You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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