Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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