True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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