I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
did i just pee glitter
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
