the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
