No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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