I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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