We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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