I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
