And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize