I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
