i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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