i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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