There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
