Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
