She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
