I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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