The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
