Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
