dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I smell stomach acid.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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