the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
