did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
