she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
