Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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