look no pants
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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