I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
