remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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