I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
