i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
