I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
