I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
