chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
