I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
