My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
