Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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