That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
These tits shall not be calmed
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
