I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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