Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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