a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
