He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
